So here I am. I officially have a "blog". I just figured maybe this would be better than yellow legal pads, which is where my brain regurgitations currently wind up, kicked around my car and carried with me to work each day.
I am currently 6 months and 3 days into my divorce, though my son and I moved out over one year ago.
I am a single mom with three jobs.
I live with my son in the bottom of a three family house in what I can only imagine used to be the garages, in a one bedroom plus office apartment that I can barely afford. I have a dog and a cat, and one goldfish that refuses to die. Sometimes I think I should be like that goldfish.
They just shut off my cable. This also means my internet, so I type this from the office at my parent's house across town. I just stopped taking my anxiety medication because it made me gain 20 lbs, and I think being fat gives me depression more than having an anxiety disorder.
I was in a relationship. I think i got into it to prove to myself that I could move on. Stupid thing is, all it did was make me take two steps back instead of two steps forward. I wasn't ready. So I put things on hold. On a "break". I think the fact that I have a relationship hanging in limbo over my head while I try to heal the wounds from a divorce still cutting my soul is more trouble than anything else. But I like to be alone.
Except for my son. He is the warmth in my world. The light in my life. I can look at him smilng at me and the world makes sense. I know why the sun shines and the grass grows. He is my world. My life.
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I have had many break ups and jumped right into another one and they never lasted. It is important to get away for awhile to recope .It is not intensional but for me when I jumped right back in it was like I never left the old one behind.It was like I was with the old one saying I do not need this again. In time when you are over your x you will be better.I know I was.There is something to be said for being alone. And you will never be alone you do have your child to be with.Although right now it seems 3 jobs is going to take up alot of your time.You still have a long life left to go so you will have plenty of time to find someone if you want.But being single is not bad either. To many games being played when some people get married on both sides always doing things you do not want to do.Going places you do not want to go. It is a partnership but I also like being independant on my own. But thats me. Don't worry the goldfish will probably go eventially. But just keep doing the best you can .That is all of can do.
What you need to do is concentrate on you. Be selfish. You need to know that you don't need to depend on another person to make you feel better or to survive. You've got your son. He should be your motivation. Undoubtedly he is your motivation.
Sounds like the goldfish has some stubbornness there. Maybe that's what you need to do. Stick your heels in and just think "I will not let this get me down. I will not give in."
It will get better :)
You sound like you are going to do great. You have a lot of spirit and common sense. You probably don't have a lot of education, but it seems like too much education cancels out common sense. I am a christian, so I will reccommend that you attend church. If you aren't a christian, become one, then you'll never be alone. It makes a big difference. No miracles. It's just better. Good for your child too, while he's young. Lord bless you.